In-Laws

One of the hardest parts of marriage is dealing with in-laws. At the beginning of a marriage, it is normal to have questions. Are my in-laws going to accept me? Where do we spend Christmas? Do we attend Sunday dinner EVERY Sunday? What parts of my life should I share with my family? What stays between my husband and me?

I think many of us have heard this scripture before, but what does that look like in a modern marriage? I think the answer is different for everyone, but it’s a conversation (or multiple conversations) that every couple needs to have.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton gives some principles for newly married couples to guide them in cleaving unto their spouse. He said,

“Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength.”

President Spencer W. Kimball said,

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers…. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things …. Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.” 

Elder Ashton and President Kimball give us a great place to start, but I think it is important to have specific conversations with our spouse about where the boundaries are.

For example, one boundary my husband and I have decided is that we do not talk negatively about each other to anyone. When we have a grievance, we bring it to each other to be solved, we don’t go to parents or friends to complain about one another.

As we have had children, in-law relations have become even more complicated. Everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children. Though we will sometimes take their advice into account, how we raise our children is a decision that is made only between the two of us.

How we will deal with in-laws and cleave unto each other is going to look different in every marriage, but if we heed this scripture and the teachings by Elder Ashton and President Kimball, they will be a strength to our marriages.

Couple's Councils

Elder M. Russel Ballard said, “I believe councils are the most effective way to get real results. Additionally, I know councils are the Lord’s way and that He created all things in the universe through a heavenly council, as mentioned in the holy scripture.”

Councils are the Lord’s way to run his church, but they are also the way to run a family. There are many different kinds of councils that you can have in a family, but today I am going to talk about what I believe is the most important council in a family. I think we need to start with couple’s councils before we move on to councils with our entire family.

There is a basic formula for how a council should be run. It needs to be regular at a set day and time. There needs to be an agenda that is made available to members beforehand. Some of the best councils start with words of love and appreciation for one another and then a prayer. Prayer is an important way to start a council because it invites the spirit of the Lord to the council.

Once we have invited the Spirit, it’s time to get to the nitty-gritty. This is when the leader of the council (I think it would be great for the husband and wife to switch off, but there are many ways you could work this out) brings up agenda items. These items are calmly, honestly, and respectfully discussed until all members (in this case just the husband and wife) come to a consensus. Once all agenda items are addressed, the meeting can be ended with a prayer and the couple can move forward with what has been discussed.

This is the basic formula followed by the Prophet and Apostles when they council and I think it is a great formula for everybody.

I think couple’s councils are specifically important for a family. They are a time where a couple can get together and make decisions on how to run their family. Ideas for types of agenda items would be the marriage relationship, work/school responsibilities, finances, children, and any personal problems that need to be discussed. It might be helpful to keep a running list somewhere where both spouses can add to it when they feel it’s necessary.

It is also important to remember that councils are a time when we should be especially careful to have the Spirit with us so we can calmly come to a consensus.

I’ve attached a printable for a meeting agenda you could use. I am going to use it as I try to apply these principles to my own marriage! Download it here!

Fidelity in Marriage

Infidelity is something that we see in movies and TV every day. The media makes it out to be that fidelity is normal and even sometimes good. I remember one time I was talking to my friend about a TV show. The main characters in this show were having an affair. My friend told me she thought this affair was okay because the wife of the man was so awful. Of course, my friend doesn’t condone real-life affairs, but I feel like society is teaching us to blur the line between fidelity and infidelity until there is no line left.

I used to wonder how affairs could happen. In my mind, people would just decide to have an affair and then go out and find someone. The more I study, the more I realize that this is usually not the case.

Infidelity is something that usually happens slowly. You make a few small choices and before you know it, you have at least emotionally betrayed your spouse.

H. Wallace Goddard (2009) wrote about the general progression of infidelity:

This usually starts with behaviors that seem innocent like working on a project with a coworker, doing volunteer work, or helping them in some capacity. Usually, the danger of these situations is that they are one on one.

Once you start spending more time with each other, affection grows. Flirting and justification for behavior start and the relationship becomes “special.” Instead of just a colleague, this person is now a special friend.

You can see that the progression is slow, but at the same time quickly becomes dangerous. Once this friend becomes special, you start creating opportunities to be with this friend. As more excuses are made to justify behavior, you start to put this person above your spouse and even wish your spouse were as good as them.

At this point, you may have not committed physical infidelity, but you have committed emotional infidelity that will quickly lead to physical infidelity. (Goddard, 2009, pp. 91-93)

I found this progression of infidelity explained by H. Wallace Goddard to be very helpful. I think that fidelity to our spouse is the most important thing in a marriage and yet it seems to be so easy to fall into some of these traps, even if it doesn’t lead to physical infidelity.

I am going to keep this progression in my mind and heart so that I can protect my marriage the best I can. I hope you too will look at this progression, possibly fix any relationships that are on this path, and do what you can to protect your relationship.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Matheson, K.W. Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. Ens

Unsolvable Problems

This week I finished The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. I am so sad that I am done but so happy because I learned so much. The last thing I would like to talk about from this book is unsolvable problems and overcoming gridlock.

As I talked about last week, unsolvable problems are those that are based on deep desires. They cannot be solved and are something you will have to deal with for your entire marriage. Successful couples find ways to work around these problems, while other couples continue to fight until they are in gridlock and can’t accommodate each other.

Gottman found that when couples are in gridlock it is because they don’t understand each other’s dreams. Usually, in these situations, each spouse has a specific dream that is not being met. The other spouse isn’t aware of this dream and doesn’t see the hurt that their spouse feels.

In his book, Dr. Gottman gives instructions on how to begin to overcome gridlock. To illustrate this, I did this activity with my husband.

Gridlocked Problem: When we get into an argument, I want to talk things out right away. My husband wants to take time to calm down before we discuss the problem.

Step 1: Detect and discuss dreams

            My dream: Because of experiences from my childhood, I think a good marriage is one in which you don’t fight (I know this is flawed but I’m working on it). When we start to fight, I want to end it as soon as possible so I can have the dream of a “good marriage.”

            His dream: He wants to take the time to calm down because he doesn’t want to say hurtful things. His dream is to be a kind and loving husband.

*PAUSE* - it was at this point that my heart softened toward my husband. He wasn’t trying to ignore me or the problem, he just wants to control his anger.

Step 2: Soothe – This is where you take a break to calm down and connect. We didn’t do this part because our conversation was very calm. If there are a lot of emotions and hard feelings, it is good to take a break and calm down before you try to problem-solve.

Step 3: Temporary Compromise – using the Two-Circle Method

This article gives a great description of this method: https://www.gottman.com/blog/reaching-compromise-second-part-state-union-meeting/

Non-Negotiable Areas:

            Me: We have to be able to talk about and solve the problem within a relatively short period of time.

            Him: He has to be given some time to calm down.

Negotiable Areas:

            Me: It doesn’t have to be immediately after the fight but within the hour.

            Him: He can take a shorter period of time to calm down.

Temporary Compromise:

            I will allow my husband to take time and calm down for thirty minutes, after which we will come back together and discuss the problem.

Ongoing Conflict: I will always want to solve a problem immediately, he will always want to take time to calm down.

Now that we have reached a compromise, we will try it for a couple of months and then come back to it to see how it is working.

This exercise was really helpful for me. Taking the time to see my husband for who he is and knowing some of the reasons behind his actions really softened my heart for him. This problem will never go away, but maybe our ability to see one another better will help us to be more forgiving and accommodating of one another.

Solving Solvable Problems

What I read in Dr. John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work this week was some of the most helpful things I have learned yet. In chapters 8-11 of the book, he talks about different types of problems in marriage and what to do about them.

Dr. Gottman says that there are only two types of problems within a marriage: solvable problems and unsolvable problems.

Unsolvable problems are those that a couple is going to have to deal with for their entire marriage. These types of problems have a foundation of deep differences that cannot be solved. Though these problems sound scary Dr. Gottman says, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (p.139). I will discuss these types of problems later.

Today I want to focus on solvable problems. These types of problems aren’t characterized by such deep feelings and differences. It takes some work, communication, and compromise, but these problems can be fixed if the couple takes the time to work it out.

Dr. Gottman gives five steps to help couples resolve their conflicts:

I am only going to cover a couple of these in detail, so I would suggest you also take the time to read the book, it is really so helpful!

The first of the five steps is one that often pertains to me: Soften your start-up.

When we start our conversation harshly with blaming and criticism, it dooms the discussion, but when we can find a way to softly start a conversation, it helps us to remain calm enough to solve the problem.

Here are some examples:

Harsh start-up: I can’t believe you didn’t do the dishes last night. How can you be so lazy?

Soft start-up: I am upset that the dishes weren’t done last night, now I have to take the time to do them.

Harsh start-up: You never listen to me when I’m talking.

Soft start-up: I often feel unheard when I am trying to share with you.

Looking at these examples, how would you feel if your spouse used a harsh start-up versus a soft one. I know I would be much more defensive in response to a harsh start-up.

I soft start-up is characterized by the use of I statements. Focus on what you are feeling and not what your spouse did wrong. Soft start-ups can be complaints, but they are not criticisms. Also, try to take as much responsibility as possible when trying to use a soft start-up.

Honestly, this is a huge problem of mine. I struggle to use a soft start-up, but I am working on it!

The next of the five steps is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. A repair attempt “refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p.27). This infographic helps to explain different types of repair attempts:

My husband and I recently came up with a way to use repair attempts with a certain type of fight we’ve been having recently. One of the big problems of this fight was that it would escalate and we would talk over each other. We wouldn’t be able to solve what was usually a simple problem because we were too busy defending “our side” of the story. We decided to come up with a “safe word” that we can say do help deescalate our fights. It’s a ridiculous phrase my sister used to tell me when I was a kid to make me laugh, “belly button fuzz.” We have been using this as our “safe word” and repair attempt for a week or so and it has been great. It is so ridiculous that it's hard to stay angry.

Couples make repair attempts in all kinds of different ways from being silly, to saying sorry, to simply saying “I love you.” It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as your spouse notices and accepts your repair attempts.

Dr. Gottman has created a list of ideas for repair attempts. You can buy it as a pdf, but this article has a great preview as well as even more great information about repair attempts.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

The third step is to soothe yourself and each other. It is important to take time (at least 20 minutes) to calm down when you get worked up in a fight. It is also important to work together to keep each other calm during a fight.

The fourth step is to compromise. This is the part where you actually solve the problem. This takes humility and being willing to let your spouse influence you. In his book, Dr. Gottman gives a lot of specific things you can do to help you compromise.

The last step is to process any grievances so they don’t linger. It is important to make sure all of the negativity is solved. When we leave it, it can often grow and poison our marriage.

We can learn so much from Dr. Gottman on solving our problems. He has learned so much in his studies. For me, I’m going to start working on soft start-ups and repair attempts and then go from there. What do you think you need to work on?

Pride in Marriage

This week I read about Principle 4 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, “Let Your Partner Influence You.”

In this chapter, Dr. Gottman encourages us to sacrifice in our relationships. In essence, he asks us to lower our pride and let our partner impact our decisions.

Gottman said, “The happiest, most stable marriages, in the long run, were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.”

Dr. Gottman points out that this problem is more common among men, but as a wife, I know it is hard to let my husband influence me sometimes. I often want to be right and I let my pride get in the way.

Ezra Taft Benson said, “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: ‘Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.’ (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)”

How often do we pit ourselves against our spouses? How often are we more concerned about being right than solving the problem?

A big problem I have is that I often get easily offended when my husband questions me. I am very sensitive when it seems like he is questioning my intelligence. I often have a negative reaction when he does not agree with me and my pride gets in the way of letting him influence me.

For this next week, I am going to focus on my pride. Every time I find myself getting angry or frustrated with my husband, I am going to stop and think about how pride is factoring into my feelings. I hope to take a step back and check my pride so that my husband and I can have a disagreement that does not lead to anger and a fight.

When are you prideful in your marriage? Are you sensitive about certain things like me? Selfish? Unwilling to let your partner influence you? Take a moment to recognize the ways that pride is hurting your marriage and then make a plan. You can make a difference.

References

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved November 6, 2019, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Emotional Bank Accounts

I read a couple more Chapters of Dr. Gottman’s book and you guys it is so good! The chapter that stuck out to me was the one on turning toward each other instead of away. A video from the Gottman Institute explains this concept well:

The video talks about building up your “emotional bank account.” I really like the metaphor of the bank account as it is something that works well for me (I really like numbers and math).

In his book, John Gottman encourages couples to literally keep a ledger of all of the good things their spouse does that help them turn toward one another. He said to give your spouse a point every time they do turn toward you and compare your lists.

Disclaimer: Be careful when you are comparing lists. Do not keep your list as leverage of all of the good things you do for your spouse, instead, this is a fun activity to help you realize how often your spouse turns toward you. It might be more than you think!

I have been doing this exercise for the past couple of days and, honestly, it's hard! It is hard to remember to look for those things and then write them down. I’ve had to set a reminder on my phone to keep it on my mind!

Though I am struggling to remember still, I am noticing more and more things that my husband does to turn toward me. One simple thing he does when we are both working on opposite sides of the room is he will look over at me (literally turn toward me) often to see how I am doing. Now that I have noticed that simple thing he does and all of the other ways he turns towards me, it has helped foster positive sentiment override in our relationship.

I also think that I am going to start tracking ways that I turn toward my spouse. I would like to see how often I do it out of habit and hopefully, make goals to turn toward him even more!

I encourage you to do this activity, either by yourself or with your spouse and see how it can improve your marriage!

I made some cute printables for you if you would like to use them to keep track of your relationship.

Click Here to Download 

I hope this activity can help you as much as it has helped me!