What I read in Dr. John
Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work this week
was some of the most helpful things I have learned yet. In chapters 8-11 of the
book, he talks about different types of problems in marriage and what to do
about them.
Dr. Gottman says that
there are only two types of problems within a marriage: solvable problems and
unsolvable problems.
Unsolvable problems are
those that a couple is going to have to deal with for their entire marriage.
These types of problems have a foundation of deep differences that cannot be
solved. Though these problems sound scary Dr. Gottman says, “Despite what many
therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital
conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (p.139). I will discuss these types of
problems later.
Today I want to focus on
solvable problems. These types of problems aren’t characterized by such deep
feelings and differences. It takes some work, communication, and compromise,
but these problems can be fixed if the couple takes the time to work it out.
Dr. Gottman gives five
steps to help couples resolve their conflicts:
I am only going to cover
a couple of these in detail, so I would suggest you also take the time to read
the book, it is really so helpful!
The first of the five
steps is one that often pertains to me: Soften your start-up.
When we start our
conversation harshly with blaming and criticism, it dooms the discussion, but
when we can find a way to softly start a conversation, it helps us to remain
calm enough to solve the problem.
Here are some examples:
Harsh start-up: I can’t
believe you didn’t do the dishes last night. How can you be so lazy?
Soft start-up: I am upset
that the dishes weren’t done last night, now I have to take the time to do
them.
Harsh start-up: You never
listen to me when I’m talking.
Soft start-up: I often
feel unheard when I am trying to share with you.
Looking at these
examples, how would you feel if your spouse used a harsh start-up versus a soft
one. I know I would be much more defensive in response to a harsh start-up.
I soft start-up is
characterized by the use of I statements. Focus on what you are feeling and not
what your spouse did wrong. Soft start-ups can be complaints, but they are not
criticisms. Also, try to take as much responsibility as possible when trying to
use a soft start-up.
Honestly, this is a huge
problem of mine. I struggle to use a soft start-up, but I am working on it!
The next of the five
steps is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. A repair attempt “refers
to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from
escalating out of control” (p.27). This infographic helps to explain different
types of repair attempts:
My husband and I recently
came up with a way to use repair attempts with a certain type of fight we’ve
been having recently. One of the big problems of this fight was that it would
escalate and we would talk over each other. We wouldn’t be able to solve what
was usually a simple problem because we were too busy defending “our side” of
the story. We decided to come up with a “safe word” that we can say do help deescalate
our fights. It’s a ridiculous phrase my sister used to tell me when I was a kid
to make me laugh, “belly button fuzz.” We have been using this as our “safe
word” and repair attempt for a week or so and it has been great. It is so
ridiculous that it's hard to stay angry.
Couples make repair
attempts in all kinds of different ways from being silly, to saying sorry, to
simply saying “I love you.” It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as
your spouse notices and accepts your repair attempts.
Dr. Gottman has created a
list of ideas for repair attempts. You can buy it as a pdf, but this article
has a great preview as well as even more great information about repair
attempts.
The third step is to
soothe yourself and each other. It is important to take time (at least 20
minutes) to calm down when you get worked up in a fight. It is also important
to work together to keep each other calm during a fight.
The fourth step is to
compromise. This is the part where you actually solve the problem. This takes
humility and being willing to let your spouse influence you. In his book, Dr.
Gottman gives a lot of specific things you can do to help you compromise.
The last step is to
process any grievances so they don’t linger. It is important to make sure all
of the negativity is solved. When we leave it, it can often grow and poison our
marriage.
We can learn so much from
Dr. Gottman on solving our problems. He has learned so much in his studies. For
me, I’m going to start working on soft start-ups and repair attempts and then
go from there. What do you think you need to work on?
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