Unsolvable Problems

This week I finished The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. I am so sad that I am done but so happy because I learned so much. The last thing I would like to talk about from this book is unsolvable problems and overcoming gridlock.

As I talked about last week, unsolvable problems are those that are based on deep desires. They cannot be solved and are something you will have to deal with for your entire marriage. Successful couples find ways to work around these problems, while other couples continue to fight until they are in gridlock and can’t accommodate each other.

Gottman found that when couples are in gridlock it is because they don’t understand each other’s dreams. Usually, in these situations, each spouse has a specific dream that is not being met. The other spouse isn’t aware of this dream and doesn’t see the hurt that their spouse feels.

In his book, Dr. Gottman gives instructions on how to begin to overcome gridlock. To illustrate this, I did this activity with my husband.

Gridlocked Problem: When we get into an argument, I want to talk things out right away. My husband wants to take time to calm down before we discuss the problem.

Step 1: Detect and discuss dreams

            My dream: Because of experiences from my childhood, I think a good marriage is one in which you don’t fight (I know this is flawed but I’m working on it). When we start to fight, I want to end it as soon as possible so I can have the dream of a “good marriage.”

            His dream: He wants to take the time to calm down because he doesn’t want to say hurtful things. His dream is to be a kind and loving husband.

*PAUSE* - it was at this point that my heart softened toward my husband. He wasn’t trying to ignore me or the problem, he just wants to control his anger.

Step 2: Soothe – This is where you take a break to calm down and connect. We didn’t do this part because our conversation was very calm. If there are a lot of emotions and hard feelings, it is good to take a break and calm down before you try to problem-solve.

Step 3: Temporary Compromise – using the Two-Circle Method

This article gives a great description of this method: https://www.gottman.com/blog/reaching-compromise-second-part-state-union-meeting/

Non-Negotiable Areas:

            Me: We have to be able to talk about and solve the problem within a relatively short period of time.

            Him: He has to be given some time to calm down.

Negotiable Areas:

            Me: It doesn’t have to be immediately after the fight but within the hour.

            Him: He can take a shorter period of time to calm down.

Temporary Compromise:

            I will allow my husband to take time and calm down for thirty minutes, after which we will come back together and discuss the problem.

Ongoing Conflict: I will always want to solve a problem immediately, he will always want to take time to calm down.

Now that we have reached a compromise, we will try it for a couple of months and then come back to it to see how it is working.

This exercise was really helpful for me. Taking the time to see my husband for who he is and knowing some of the reasons behind his actions really softened my heart for him. This problem will never go away, but maybe our ability to see one another better will help us to be more forgiving and accommodating of one another.