In-Laws

One of the hardest parts of marriage is dealing with in-laws. At the beginning of a marriage, it is normal to have questions. Are my in-laws going to accept me? Where do we spend Christmas? Do we attend Sunday dinner EVERY Sunday? What parts of my life should I share with my family? What stays between my husband and me?

I think many of us have heard this scripture before, but what does that look like in a modern marriage? I think the answer is different for everyone, but it’s a conversation (or multiple conversations) that every couple needs to have.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton gives some principles for newly married couples to guide them in cleaving unto their spouse. He said,

“Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength.”

President Spencer W. Kimball said,

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers…. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things …. Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.” 

Elder Ashton and President Kimball give us a great place to start, but I think it is important to have specific conversations with our spouse about where the boundaries are.

For example, one boundary my husband and I have decided is that we do not talk negatively about each other to anyone. When we have a grievance, we bring it to each other to be solved, we don’t go to parents or friends to complain about one another.

As we have had children, in-law relations have become even more complicated. Everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children. Though we will sometimes take their advice into account, how we raise our children is a decision that is made only between the two of us.

How we will deal with in-laws and cleave unto each other is going to look different in every marriage, but if we heed this scripture and the teachings by Elder Ashton and President Kimball, they will be a strength to our marriages.