Fidelity in Marriage

Infidelity is something that we see in movies and TV every day. The media makes it out to be that fidelity is normal and even sometimes good. I remember one time I was talking to my friend about a TV show. The main characters in this show were having an affair. My friend told me she thought this affair was okay because the wife of the man was so awful. Of course, my friend doesn’t condone real-life affairs, but I feel like society is teaching us to blur the line between fidelity and infidelity until there is no line left.

I used to wonder how affairs could happen. In my mind, people would just decide to have an affair and then go out and find someone. The more I study, the more I realize that this is usually not the case.

Infidelity is something that usually happens slowly. You make a few small choices and before you know it, you have at least emotionally betrayed your spouse.

H. Wallace Goddard (2009) wrote about the general progression of infidelity:

This usually starts with behaviors that seem innocent like working on a project with a coworker, doing volunteer work, or helping them in some capacity. Usually, the danger of these situations is that they are one on one.

Once you start spending more time with each other, affection grows. Flirting and justification for behavior start and the relationship becomes “special.” Instead of just a colleague, this person is now a special friend.

You can see that the progression is slow, but at the same time quickly becomes dangerous. Once this friend becomes special, you start creating opportunities to be with this friend. As more excuses are made to justify behavior, you start to put this person above your spouse and even wish your spouse were as good as them.

At this point, you may have not committed physical infidelity, but you have committed emotional infidelity that will quickly lead to physical infidelity. (Goddard, 2009, pp. 91-93)

I found this progression of infidelity explained by H. Wallace Goddard to be very helpful. I think that fidelity to our spouse is the most important thing in a marriage and yet it seems to be so easy to fall into some of these traps, even if it doesn’t lead to physical infidelity.

I am going to keep this progression in my mind and heart so that I can protect my marriage the best I can. I hope you too will look at this progression, possibly fix any relationships that are on this path, and do what you can to protect your relationship.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Matheson, K.W. Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. Ens

Unsolvable Problems

This week I finished The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. I am so sad that I am done but so happy because I learned so much. The last thing I would like to talk about from this book is unsolvable problems and overcoming gridlock.

As I talked about last week, unsolvable problems are those that are based on deep desires. They cannot be solved and are something you will have to deal with for your entire marriage. Successful couples find ways to work around these problems, while other couples continue to fight until they are in gridlock and can’t accommodate each other.

Gottman found that when couples are in gridlock it is because they don’t understand each other’s dreams. Usually, in these situations, each spouse has a specific dream that is not being met. The other spouse isn’t aware of this dream and doesn’t see the hurt that their spouse feels.

In his book, Dr. Gottman gives instructions on how to begin to overcome gridlock. To illustrate this, I did this activity with my husband.

Gridlocked Problem: When we get into an argument, I want to talk things out right away. My husband wants to take time to calm down before we discuss the problem.

Step 1: Detect and discuss dreams

            My dream: Because of experiences from my childhood, I think a good marriage is one in which you don’t fight (I know this is flawed but I’m working on it). When we start to fight, I want to end it as soon as possible so I can have the dream of a “good marriage.”

            His dream: He wants to take the time to calm down because he doesn’t want to say hurtful things. His dream is to be a kind and loving husband.

*PAUSE* - it was at this point that my heart softened toward my husband. He wasn’t trying to ignore me or the problem, he just wants to control his anger.

Step 2: Soothe – This is where you take a break to calm down and connect. We didn’t do this part because our conversation was very calm. If there are a lot of emotions and hard feelings, it is good to take a break and calm down before you try to problem-solve.

Step 3: Temporary Compromise – using the Two-Circle Method

This article gives a great description of this method: https://www.gottman.com/blog/reaching-compromise-second-part-state-union-meeting/

Non-Negotiable Areas:

            Me: We have to be able to talk about and solve the problem within a relatively short period of time.

            Him: He has to be given some time to calm down.

Negotiable Areas:

            Me: It doesn’t have to be immediately after the fight but within the hour.

            Him: He can take a shorter period of time to calm down.

Temporary Compromise:

            I will allow my husband to take time and calm down for thirty minutes, after which we will come back together and discuss the problem.

Ongoing Conflict: I will always want to solve a problem immediately, he will always want to take time to calm down.

Now that we have reached a compromise, we will try it for a couple of months and then come back to it to see how it is working.

This exercise was really helpful for me. Taking the time to see my husband for who he is and knowing some of the reasons behind his actions really softened my heart for him. This problem will never go away, but maybe our ability to see one another better will help us to be more forgiving and accommodating of one another.

Solving Solvable Problems

What I read in Dr. John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work this week was some of the most helpful things I have learned yet. In chapters 8-11 of the book, he talks about different types of problems in marriage and what to do about them.

Dr. Gottman says that there are only two types of problems within a marriage: solvable problems and unsolvable problems.

Unsolvable problems are those that a couple is going to have to deal with for their entire marriage. These types of problems have a foundation of deep differences that cannot be solved. Though these problems sound scary Dr. Gottman says, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (p.139). I will discuss these types of problems later.

Today I want to focus on solvable problems. These types of problems aren’t characterized by such deep feelings and differences. It takes some work, communication, and compromise, but these problems can be fixed if the couple takes the time to work it out.

Dr. Gottman gives five steps to help couples resolve their conflicts:

I am only going to cover a couple of these in detail, so I would suggest you also take the time to read the book, it is really so helpful!

The first of the five steps is one that often pertains to me: Soften your start-up.

When we start our conversation harshly with blaming and criticism, it dooms the discussion, but when we can find a way to softly start a conversation, it helps us to remain calm enough to solve the problem.

Here are some examples:

Harsh start-up: I can’t believe you didn’t do the dishes last night. How can you be so lazy?

Soft start-up: I am upset that the dishes weren’t done last night, now I have to take the time to do them.

Harsh start-up: You never listen to me when I’m talking.

Soft start-up: I often feel unheard when I am trying to share with you.

Looking at these examples, how would you feel if your spouse used a harsh start-up versus a soft one. I know I would be much more defensive in response to a harsh start-up.

I soft start-up is characterized by the use of I statements. Focus on what you are feeling and not what your spouse did wrong. Soft start-ups can be complaints, but they are not criticisms. Also, try to take as much responsibility as possible when trying to use a soft start-up.

Honestly, this is a huge problem of mine. I struggle to use a soft start-up, but I am working on it!

The next of the five steps is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. A repair attempt “refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p.27). This infographic helps to explain different types of repair attempts:

My husband and I recently came up with a way to use repair attempts with a certain type of fight we’ve been having recently. One of the big problems of this fight was that it would escalate and we would talk over each other. We wouldn’t be able to solve what was usually a simple problem because we were too busy defending “our side” of the story. We decided to come up with a “safe word” that we can say do help deescalate our fights. It’s a ridiculous phrase my sister used to tell me when I was a kid to make me laugh, “belly button fuzz.” We have been using this as our “safe word” and repair attempt for a week or so and it has been great. It is so ridiculous that it's hard to stay angry.

Couples make repair attempts in all kinds of different ways from being silly, to saying sorry, to simply saying “I love you.” It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as your spouse notices and accepts your repair attempts.

Dr. Gottman has created a list of ideas for repair attempts. You can buy it as a pdf, but this article has a great preview as well as even more great information about repair attempts.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

The third step is to soothe yourself and each other. It is important to take time (at least 20 minutes) to calm down when you get worked up in a fight. It is also important to work together to keep each other calm during a fight.

The fourth step is to compromise. This is the part where you actually solve the problem. This takes humility and being willing to let your spouse influence you. In his book, Dr. Gottman gives a lot of specific things you can do to help you compromise.

The last step is to process any grievances so they don’t linger. It is important to make sure all of the negativity is solved. When we leave it, it can often grow and poison our marriage.

We can learn so much from Dr. Gottman on solving our problems. He has learned so much in his studies. For me, I’m going to start working on soft start-ups and repair attempts and then go from there. What do you think you need to work on?

Pride in Marriage

This week I read about Principle 4 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, “Let Your Partner Influence You.”

In this chapter, Dr. Gottman encourages us to sacrifice in our relationships. In essence, he asks us to lower our pride and let our partner impact our decisions.

Gottman said, “The happiest, most stable marriages, in the long run, were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.”

Dr. Gottman points out that this problem is more common among men, but as a wife, I know it is hard to let my husband influence me sometimes. I often want to be right and I let my pride get in the way.

Ezra Taft Benson said, “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: ‘Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.’ (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)”

How often do we pit ourselves against our spouses? How often are we more concerned about being right than solving the problem?

A big problem I have is that I often get easily offended when my husband questions me. I am very sensitive when it seems like he is questioning my intelligence. I often have a negative reaction when he does not agree with me and my pride gets in the way of letting him influence me.

For this next week, I am going to focus on my pride. Every time I find myself getting angry or frustrated with my husband, I am going to stop and think about how pride is factoring into my feelings. I hope to take a step back and check my pride so that my husband and I can have a disagreement that does not lead to anger and a fight.

When are you prideful in your marriage? Are you sensitive about certain things like me? Selfish? Unwilling to let your partner influence you? Take a moment to recognize the ways that pride is hurting your marriage and then make a plan. You can make a difference.

References

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved November 6, 2019, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Emotional Bank Accounts

I read a couple more Chapters of Dr. Gottman’s book and you guys it is so good! The chapter that stuck out to me was the one on turning toward each other instead of away. A video from the Gottman Institute explains this concept well:

The video talks about building up your “emotional bank account.” I really like the metaphor of the bank account as it is something that works well for me (I really like numbers and math).

In his book, John Gottman encourages couples to literally keep a ledger of all of the good things their spouse does that help them turn toward one another. He said to give your spouse a point every time they do turn toward you and compare your lists.

Disclaimer: Be careful when you are comparing lists. Do not keep your list as leverage of all of the good things you do for your spouse, instead, this is a fun activity to help you realize how often your spouse turns toward you. It might be more than you think!

I have been doing this exercise for the past couple of days and, honestly, it's hard! It is hard to remember to look for those things and then write them down. I’ve had to set a reminder on my phone to keep it on my mind!

Though I am struggling to remember still, I am noticing more and more things that my husband does to turn toward me. One simple thing he does when we are both working on opposite sides of the room is he will look over at me (literally turn toward me) often to see how I am doing. Now that I have noticed that simple thing he does and all of the other ways he turns towards me, it has helped foster positive sentiment override in our relationship.

I also think that I am going to start tracking ways that I turn toward my spouse. I would like to see how often I do it out of habit and hopefully, make goals to turn toward him even more!

I encourage you to do this activity, either by yourself or with your spouse and see how it can improve your marriage!

I made some cute printables for you if you would like to use them to keep track of your relationship.

Click Here to Download 

I hope this activity can help you as much as it has helped me!