I have recently been studying some of the work of Dr. John
Gottman. If you’ve never heard of him, then you should look him up because he
is awesome! I am currently reading his book, The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work. It is amazing and I would suggest that everyone
should read it!
Dr. Gottman has learned so much about marriage that he can
predict divorce with over 90% accuracy based on a fifteen-minute conversation
with a couple. He has noticed four behaviors that will put a relationship on
the road to divorce. Here is a quick video from the Gottman Institute
explaining these behaviors:
What stood out to me in Dr. Gottman’s book is the idea of
“negative sentiment override.” These four behaviors cause a large amount of
negativity that causes two people in a relationship to see their partner in a continuous
negative light.
Dr. Gottman also studied marriages that work. These
marriages did not have negative sentiment override. These couples knew each other
very well and they had a majority of positive feelings toward each other. In
fact, they had five times more positive interactions than negative
interactions.
During his studies, Dr. Gottman found the ratio for a happy
marriage. 5:1. Five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
You need a lot of positivity to counteract even a single negative interaction.
Think about your interactions with your partner in the last
day or two. How many positive interactions can you remember and how many
negative ones can you remember?
For me, I know it is a lot easier to remember the negative
than the positive. This week, I am going to pay closer attention to my
interactions with my husband. I would love to see how close (or far) we are to
this 5:1 ratio.
As we notice our interactions with our spouses, I hope that
we choose to add more positivity to our relationships and reap the wonderful
benefits of a positive marriage.
If you want to learn more about the work of Dr. Gottman
(seriously he can teach you so much!) I suggest reading his book:
The Gottman Institute is also a wonderful resource:
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