Contract vs. Covenant Marriage

When I think of a contract, I think of lawyers, fighting, give and take, loopholes, breach of contract, etc. Obviously, in my mind, contracts aren’t things that I necessarily enjoy.

When I think of a covenant, I think words like strong, bound, agreement, together, and most of all, God. Covenants are things that I take VERY seriously, and I hope that others do as well.

Either one of these two words can apply to a marriage depending on the attitudes and intentions of the people involved. What’s the difference between a contract marriage and a covenant marriage? And does it really matter what kind of marriage one has?

Contract marriages are the type where people are only involved if they are getting something out of the relationship. As soon as their partner breaks their end of the deal, people in contract marriages are out. Or as soon as the marriage isn’t making that person “happy,” the deal is off. People in contract marriages only give 50% of themselves to the relationship. They give just enough to get something else in return.

People in covenant marriages are in for the long hall. Their commitment to the marriage supersedes the ups and downs of life. People in covenant marriages put their selfish wants behind the good of the relationship. They see their relationship as being the most important thing in their life. In a covenant marriage, both partners give 100% of themselves to the marriage. They don’t hold back because there is no going back.

Having a covenant marriage is ideal. None of us is 100% there yet, but I think that many of us would like to get there someday. How can we do that?

I think the answer is how we respond to the events that happen in our lives. Bruce C. Hafen explained some of the problems that affect marriages as “wolves.” There are three types of wolves that he described: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism (Hafen,1996). I talked about excessive individualism last week so today I will focus on the other two.

Natural adversity: This happens to everyone, everywhere at some point in our lives. How do people in a contract marriage react to natural adversity? They may retreat within themselves and become distant from their partner. In a covenant marriage, people use the adversity to become closer together.

My husband and I have been an example of both types of marriage during natural adversity. We had financial troubles a couple of years back that really hit us hard. We turned on each other, I blamed him for the problem, and we refused to communicate our emotions. Luckily, we came out of that, but it was a very hard time.

We had financial problems AGAIN more recently. This time, we not only came together in support, but we took our problems to Heavenly Father. This trial was so much easier to handle because I had my husband and Heavenly Father instead of just myself. This trial also made our marriage so much stronger because we saw the huge benefits of leaning on each other and Heavenly Father.

Imperfections: Oh, how easy it often is to point out our spouse’s imperfections. I catch myself doing this way too often, but when I do, I try to bring myself to reality. I try to humble myself by acknowledging my imperfections and I also list all the wonderful qualities my husband has. The good definitely outweighs the bad.

I think we all struggle to have a covenant marriage at times. I believe the idea of contract marriage is so engrained in our culture that it can get to us sometimes. It is important to keep our goals and marriage in mind, keep ourselves humble, and most importantly never give up so that we can reach that ideal covenant marriage that we most desire.

References

Hafen, B.C., “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26