Love Maps

I read a couple more chapters of John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, this week and I have learned so much.

In this video, Dr. Gottman talks about what is lacking from many failed marriages:

The last line of this video is frustrating because it gets cut off right when he is about to tell us what we can do to fix our relationships. Luckily, the book and resources I have found give a lot of information about that.

As Dr. Gottman pointed out. These couples had nothing. They didn’t have strong love maps or fondness and admiration for each other.

The chapters I read are about enhancing what Gottman calls “love maps,” a “term for the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (Gottman, p. 54). Gottman has found out that having a detailed love map is a good indicator of a strong marriage.

How well do you know your spouse? What is going on in their life currently? Who irritates your spouse the most? Who is your spouse’s best friend? What are your partner's dreams and aspirations?

How well you know the answers to these questions depends on the strength of your love map.

Another important principle that Gottman teaches is that it is important to nurture your fondness and admiration for your spouse.

Every relationship starts out with fondness and admiration, but as we get bogged down by life, it is easy to forget to nurture our fondness. As we go through trials with our spouse, it is easy to see the negative and to start casting our partner in a negative light.

Whether we have a weak or strong love map and whether we have mostly positive or negative thoughts about our spouse, I think it is important to be intentional about strengthening these things. How can we do that?

Luckily, The Gottman Institute has many resources, many of them free, that we can use to help strengthen our relationships.

I found this wonderful (free!) app that is created just for this purpose.

It can be found here: https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/

This app has different sections with “cards” to help you strengthen your relationship in different ways. I downloaded it and I have already gotten so much out of it.

To help enhance your love maps, the “love maps” section and “open-ended questions” section have many cards to help you get conversations started so you can get to know your spouse better.

The “give appreciation” section gives you activities to do to help foster fondness and admiration in your marriage.

Check out the app, set aside time to get to know your spouse more, and see how much it can help your relationship grow!

Focus on the Positive

I have recently been studying some of the work of Dr. John Gottman. If you’ve never heard of him, then you should look him up because he is awesome! I am currently reading his book, ­The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It is amazing and I would suggest that everyone should read it!

Dr. Gottman has learned so much about marriage that he can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy based on a fifteen-minute conversation with a couple. He has noticed four behaviors that will put a relationship on the road to divorce. Here is a quick video from the Gottman Institute explaining these behaviors:

What stood out to me in Dr. Gottman’s book is the idea of “negative sentiment override.” These four behaviors cause a large amount of negativity that causes two people in a relationship to see their partner in a continuous negative light.

Dr. Gottman also studied marriages that work. These marriages did not have negative sentiment override. These couples knew each other very well and they had a majority of positive feelings toward each other. In fact, they had five times more positive interactions than negative interactions.

During his studies, Dr. Gottman found the ratio for a happy marriage. 5:1. Five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. You need a lot of positivity to counteract even a single negative interaction.

Think about your interactions with your partner in the last day or two. How many positive interactions can you remember and how many negative ones can you remember?

For me, I know it is a lot easier to remember the negative than the positive. This week, I am going to pay closer attention to my interactions with my husband. I would love to see how close (or far) we are to this 5:1 ratio.

As we notice our interactions with our spouses, I hope that we choose to add more positivity to our relationships and reap the wonderful benefits of a positive marriage.

If you want to learn more about the work of Dr. Gottman (seriously he can teach you so much!) I suggest reading his book:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

The Gottman Institute is also a wonderful resource:

https://www.gottman.com/

Contract vs. Covenant Marriage

When I think of a contract, I think of lawyers, fighting, give and take, loopholes, breach of contract, etc. Obviously, in my mind, contracts aren’t things that I necessarily enjoy.

When I think of a covenant, I think words like strong, bound, agreement, together, and most of all, God. Covenants are things that I take VERY seriously, and I hope that others do as well.

Either one of these two words can apply to a marriage depending on the attitudes and intentions of the people involved. What’s the difference between a contract marriage and a covenant marriage? And does it really matter what kind of marriage one has?

Contract marriages are the type where people are only involved if they are getting something out of the relationship. As soon as their partner breaks their end of the deal, people in contract marriages are out. Or as soon as the marriage isn’t making that person “happy,” the deal is off. People in contract marriages only give 50% of themselves to the relationship. They give just enough to get something else in return.

People in covenant marriages are in for the long hall. Their commitment to the marriage supersedes the ups and downs of life. People in covenant marriages put their selfish wants behind the good of the relationship. They see their relationship as being the most important thing in their life. In a covenant marriage, both partners give 100% of themselves to the marriage. They don’t hold back because there is no going back.

Having a covenant marriage is ideal. None of us is 100% there yet, but I think that many of us would like to get there someday. How can we do that?

I think the answer is how we respond to the events that happen in our lives. Bruce C. Hafen explained some of the problems that affect marriages as “wolves.” There are three types of wolves that he described: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism (Hafen,1996). I talked about excessive individualism last week so today I will focus on the other two.

Natural adversity: This happens to everyone, everywhere at some point in our lives. How do people in a contract marriage react to natural adversity? They may retreat within themselves and become distant from their partner. In a covenant marriage, people use the adversity to become closer together.

My husband and I have been an example of both types of marriage during natural adversity. We had financial troubles a couple of years back that really hit us hard. We turned on each other, I blamed him for the problem, and we refused to communicate our emotions. Luckily, we came out of that, but it was a very hard time.

We had financial problems AGAIN more recently. This time, we not only came together in support, but we took our problems to Heavenly Father. This trial was so much easier to handle because I had my husband and Heavenly Father instead of just myself. This trial also made our marriage so much stronger because we saw the huge benefits of leaning on each other and Heavenly Father.

Imperfections: Oh, how easy it often is to point out our spouse’s imperfections. I catch myself doing this way too often, but when I do, I try to bring myself to reality. I try to humble myself by acknowledging my imperfections and I also list all the wonderful qualities my husband has. The good definitely outweighs the bad.

I think we all struggle to have a covenant marriage at times. I believe the idea of contract marriage is so engrained in our culture that it can get to us sometimes. It is important to keep our goals and marriage in mind, keep ourselves humble, and most importantly never give up so that we can reach that ideal covenant marriage that we most desire.

References

Hafen, B.C., “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26

Threats to Marriage

The 2015 Supreme Court Decision Obergefell v. Hodges essentially legalized same-sex marriage. This decision was legalized based on the idea that marriage is a basic human right and should be available to everyone. From a legal standpoint, I agree. I think that same-sex marriage should be legal.

On the other hand, I affirm that marriage between a man and a woman is of God. I believe that God made men and women specifically so that we can be married together and create families. Though others may make different decisions, marriage between a man and a woman should be our goal. The nuclear family consisting of husband, wife, and children is the fundamental unit of society. Unfortunately, I think it is under attack in many ways.

Though same-sex marriage could possibly erode this fundamental unit, I believe the biggest attack on the family is individualism and selfishness. American culture values the individual. From childhood, we are encouraged to pursue our dreams and value independence. In the media, it is easy to see our culture of independence as well. Success is often defined by individual accomplishments instead of how well you relate to others or care for family.

The culture of individualism has infiltrated marriage and family life. If we are slightly unhappy in a relationship at any point, its time to move on. If we aren’t completely fulfilled by our partner, we should end the relationship and try with a new partner. If we have “fallen” out of love, the relationship must be dead.

Though I think valuing the individual has a place in society, we have taken it too far. This selfishness is ruining our marriages. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy selfish lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women” (1991).

So how do we bring our families back together? How do we have the marriages that God intended us to have? I guess the answer is the opposite. We need more selflessness and we need more humility.

Gordon B. Hinckley also said, “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion” (1991).

It is very challenging to go against society. We are encouraged to be selfish constantly, but I know that if we work to put our spouses’ interests before our own it will pay off. Our marriages will become stronger if we have that “anxious concern” for one another.

I truly believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. It seems that more and more our society does not agree with this statement. Through our culture of selfishness, it is easy to see that marriage is quickly being eroded. Luckily, we can do something about it. We can choose to be selfless in our relationships and encourage others to do so as well.

References

Hinckley, G.B. (1991, April). What God Hath Joined Together. Ensign, 73