In-Laws

One of the hardest parts of marriage is dealing with in-laws. At the beginning of a marriage, it is normal to have questions. Are my in-laws going to accept me? Where do we spend Christmas? Do we attend Sunday dinner EVERY Sunday? What parts of my life should I share with my family? What stays between my husband and me?

I think many of us have heard this scripture before, but what does that look like in a modern marriage? I think the answer is different for everyone, but it’s a conversation (or multiple conversations) that every couple needs to have.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton gives some principles for newly married couples to guide them in cleaving unto their spouse. He said,

“Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength.”

President Spencer W. Kimball said,

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers…. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things …. Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.” 

Elder Ashton and President Kimball give us a great place to start, but I think it is important to have specific conversations with our spouse about where the boundaries are.

For example, one boundary my husband and I have decided is that we do not talk negatively about each other to anyone. When we have a grievance, we bring it to each other to be solved, we don’t go to parents or friends to complain about one another.

As we have had children, in-law relations have become even more complicated. Everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children. Though we will sometimes take their advice into account, how we raise our children is a decision that is made only between the two of us.

How we will deal with in-laws and cleave unto each other is going to look different in every marriage, but if we heed this scripture and the teachings by Elder Ashton and President Kimball, they will be a strength to our marriages.

Couple's Councils

Elder M. Russel Ballard said, “I believe councils are the most effective way to get real results. Additionally, I know councils are the Lord’s way and that He created all things in the universe through a heavenly council, as mentioned in the holy scripture.”

Councils are the Lord’s way to run his church, but they are also the way to run a family. There are many different kinds of councils that you can have in a family, but today I am going to talk about what I believe is the most important council in a family. I think we need to start with couple’s councils before we move on to councils with our entire family.

There is a basic formula for how a council should be run. It needs to be regular at a set day and time. There needs to be an agenda that is made available to members beforehand. Some of the best councils start with words of love and appreciation for one another and then a prayer. Prayer is an important way to start a council because it invites the spirit of the Lord to the council.

Once we have invited the Spirit, it’s time to get to the nitty-gritty. This is when the leader of the council (I think it would be great for the husband and wife to switch off, but there are many ways you could work this out) brings up agenda items. These items are calmly, honestly, and respectfully discussed until all members (in this case just the husband and wife) come to a consensus. Once all agenda items are addressed, the meeting can be ended with a prayer and the couple can move forward with what has been discussed.

This is the basic formula followed by the Prophet and Apostles when they council and I think it is a great formula for everybody.

I think couple’s councils are specifically important for a family. They are a time where a couple can get together and make decisions on how to run their family. Ideas for types of agenda items would be the marriage relationship, work/school responsibilities, finances, children, and any personal problems that need to be discussed. It might be helpful to keep a running list somewhere where both spouses can add to it when they feel it’s necessary.

It is also important to remember that councils are a time when we should be especially careful to have the Spirit with us so we can calmly come to a consensus.

I’ve attached a printable for a meeting agenda you could use. I am going to use it as I try to apply these principles to my own marriage! Download it here!